The Devil’s Disciple’s Dictionary
© 2005-2008, Andrew J. Felser
This is a derivative work. The progenitor, penned by Ambrose Bierce, is a classic that might in our most unmoored imaginings have inspired that author to disappear somewhere south of the border. This author lacks the talent to do much more than mimic the spirit of the original model.
Appropriate - adj. - in criminal sentencing, less severe than warranted, and more exacting than desired.
Automobile - n. - a weapon used to reduce population growth in urban areas. Derived from automo (self-propelled) and bile.
Cigarette - n. - a salve producing a degree of physiological satisfaction within the user, at the expense his immediate neighbors, falling somewhere between the states of intoxication and death.
Computer - n. - a device enabling the accomplishment of more units of output in fewer units of time, the utility of which can determined by a ratio, the numerator of which is the total units of time available multiplied by the number of persons necessary to keep the device operational, and the denominator of which is the output those persons could otherwise have generated. The results are most readily calculated by hand.
Economist - n. - a philosopher with an acuity for mathematics, who is paid to provide psychotherapeutic services in the fields of politics and finance.
Election - n. - in the United States, the process whereby a plurality of a minority of eligible citizens determines the fate of the financial supporters of the contestants. In American presidential elections, a non-binding advisory verdict concerning the welfare of the jury. Elsewhere, the means by which political power is thinly distributed among the servants of the ruling class.
Fast Food - n. - food that makes one go somewhere fast, usually someplace private.
Greed – n. – an over-stimulated instinct for survival, by which necessaries are accommodated, wants are exacerbated, and the outer layers of reason exfoliated. Derivation: grandiose, combined with need.
High Powered – adj. – as applied to a person, one who has established himself by the accumulation of material wealth carefully deployed to his best strategic advantage. As applied to ordnance, a means of disestablishing, from a cowardly distance, a high-powered person, thereby enabling the redeployment of his wealth to more beneficent uses.
Law School - n. - where lawyers= minds are made from mush, as compared with its immediate aftermath, whereupon like their arctic compatriots, lawyers are made to mush.
Modern - adj. - recently recycled.
Progress - n. - an incremental advance to higher level of disappointment.
Ratiocination - n. - a politically sovereign group of ratiocinae.
Space Program - n. - The ceremonious propulsion of the human race into the universe by force of explosives without the advantage of self-destruction.
Television - n. - The most recent manifestation of profiteering disguised as entertainment, by which beams of electrons are projected onto a viewing screen, where they are organized into kinetic images designed to dull the senses, addict the nerves, and dampen the intellect in the pursuit of sedation. Also used for the communication of rumor inspired by avarice, and the inducement of avarice inspired by envy. In underdeveloped nations, a device used to make money for overdeveloped nations.